12/03/2010

*30 days of truth* Day 3!

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.


Wow, this one is hard, there's so many different things I hold onto that I wish I could go back and change. There is one that really sticks in my head, and it isn't the easiest to share! This has haunted me since I was in 7th grade, that summer my Grandma Betty passed away (My Dad's Mom) She was an incredible person, she was someone very important and active in mine and my sisters lives. She was more than just a grandma to me, she was my 2nd mom for the 12 short years that I knew her. I spent everyday after school at her house, and almost every day during the summer. That summer we went over just like any typical day, we got to the door and it was locked but we could hear the TV on, we knocked and grandpa came unlocked the door and let us in. Grandma was sitting in her chair sleeping so we went in quietly not to wake her.


Hours passed and she stayed sleeping, we went out to play with the neighborhood kids and about an hour later Grandpa came running out saying he couldn't wake up grandma. My sisters and I went inside and I tried to wake her buy shaking her leg and saying her name. I told my Grandpa to call my mom who worked a few blocks away and he said "No, don't bother your mom at work" so I snuck into my Grandpas room and used his phone to call my mom "Mom, we cant get grandma to wake up, we have tried to shake her and she wont wake up, Grandpa didn't want me to call but I don't know what to do" My mom rushed over immediately and called 911, the ambulance came and the last sight I had of my Grandma was being carried out of her house and put into an ambulance.


We stayed with the neighbor while my parents went to the hospital. About an hour later my parents came to pick us up, they said Grandma was ok, she had a heart attack and that she will be in the hospital for a while, we were going to go pick up lunch and take it to grandpa. I remember sitting in the car, going up Ash St, pass the cemetery and thinking, Grandma is going to die. We got to the hospital and My aunts were there waiting to tell us the news that Grandma had another heart attack while the Dr.'s were putting in a pace maker and she didn't make it.


Why did I have to think that she was going to die? If I didn't think that would she had lived longer?  What if we stayed in the house to play? Would we have woken her up? What if I tried to wake her sooner, would they had a better chance to save her?


I remember being at her viewing and just loosing it on my dads shoulder, I cried so hard and  wanted so bad for her to wake up and be ok. I miss her so much still and wish that she was able to be there through all of my achievements. I know she is still with us in spirit and I firmly believe that her and my Grandpa are watching over me and my daughters. I have to let go of these feelings that it was my fault and know that her purpose here on earth was served and that she went to a much more happy and beautiful place, she may not be here in body but her spirit lives on forever. I love you Grandma!

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